Wannabe Artist | Creativity vs Artistry, Psychology Behind My Art Envy, and Impostor Syndrome

I am not an artist.

I have never been drawn to traditional art, except when I was 12 and thought I magically would be able to paint masterpieces after watching too much Bob Ross. Yes, at 12 I was watching lots of Bob Ross. No judgment!! BR was an utter gift to this world and his soft quiet encouraging voice was exactly what I needed to be watching at that age. I still tear up when I hear that “happy painting, and god bless” at the end of an episode because of how much helped me when I really needed it.

Art effects me emotionally, as you can tell.


The most art I’m exposed to on a regular basis is my online friends’ (usually digital) pieces, along with other random people I follow for their art. Most of this is fanart, but any time I see originals I am enthralled by how creative an artist can be.

(some recent inspiration for you)

EDAROW

PERDITIONXROAD

O10FU

JENSUISDRAWS

1MK

JORGE JIMENEZ FOR DC – Nightwing #37

(this piece has been my phone background for probably two months and i’m still deathly obsessed with it)


Art combines abilities I don’t have with creativity I like to think I have. Creativity is hard for me to explain (and I’ve tried before). Creativity makes me happy. Creation makes me happy, but it is not who I am. I wish it was.

When I say, “I write” I don’t mean that I am a writer. I wish I was. Not for the connotation, the label or the recognition, but for the idea that I could possibly belong to a community. I pass from hobby to hobby and circle back because I like psychology. What makes people tick is everything to me. Compassion, capitalism, and conversation is swirled in every community regardless of if that community is based in creation or common interest.

 

Film, TV, Music, Traditional Art, Digital Art & Graphic Design, Physical Creations, Fiber Arts.

reusable, handmade, functional, homemade, natural, 100% organic.

 

I will say, after gaining over a year’s worth of continuous experience, I’m just starting to become comfortable with the idea that I might be a seamstress. I’ve been sewing daily for over a year, nearly a year and a half.

I am creating things, sure.  But there’s something there that makes me struggle to realize that there’s any creative connotation to what I do. And I think that’s okay, it’s creative enough for their to be pride in my creation in the end. Does mixing textiles and formats and projects change enough to make me a creative? I highly doubt that this is the truth.

I am arranging things, materials, to create a final product. Every error sticks out to me, every detail that I would have done differently. I guess my art is a one shot kind of art, one chance, one opportunity, so you have to live with the outcome. It seems rough, but it makes it all that much sweeter when it comes out perfectly. No matter how much I wish I had unlimited materials, time, money, everything so I could just do what I love.

Hobbies are still airborne for me. I read. I write. I soap. I sew.

I wish I did more creative endeavours, but there’s this little brain worm hanging out that says it would be a waste of time. That I could never be talented enough to succeed at any of them. Too much of my self worth hangs in what I do for others, and I know that. Like some odd circular pattern relating to my need for validation, and my need to be seen as worthy by society. Oddly enough, I have labels for why I feel this way, and yet it doesn’t change how I feel.

Impostor’s Syndrome.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. “

We can battle all day over success, how success is in the eye of the beholder. But I think that’s why success makes me anxious, and I’d rather think that I’m an impostor than successful in any way. Someone thinking that I’m successful in a creative field just makes it worse, gives me terrified expectations for what I should be.

Sometimes I wish I could just exit stage left on creativity. Creativity can be rewarding, but it’s also terrifying. An expectation that I don’t want on my shoulders. And lord knows that expectations are the last thing I want.

Being surrounded by art makes me feel fulfilled, happy, and connected, and yet, there is nothing more demoralizing knowing that I will never be able to create something as gorgeous. And it’s always ‘as’ this and ‘than’ that. For all of us who are still clinging to their conversational Spanish for their love of the language, some sort of self validation in that, and are desperately using duolingo to maintain it, that is what we call a comparison of inequality!

Spanish Dict

Let’s just say, regardless of the language, this train of thought is pretty negative for those who are on the “less than” end of that spectrum, whether it’s self imposed or not. I need to think more in comparisons of equality, to be honest. Bring on the tan and tanta, please! I’m ready!

And, related, I’m working on digging myself out of a pretty deep depressive hole at the moment. This is pure depression, by the way. Internal, angry yet dissociative, depression. I haven’t figured out how to deal with this in a healthy way because this is really one of the only times I’ve felt this way. My best friend described this as “climbing the hill”, but I don’t think that’s accurate for me. It’s more like climbing to a plateau, or digging out of a hole. I think that’s those expectations again. I don’t have any expectations for me mentally, because that makes the fall worse. I want to be at a 5 on the mental balance scale. Right in the middle, not at zero horrible and not at ten perfect. Average. I think that’s what I deserve, as a human just trying to be a functional being.  Speaking of scales, I really relate to the quote, “If I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying,” except I’m more like 4 and 6. If I’m feeling something, I’m crying. Which is a great indicator, because when I’m actually depressed, I don’t cry!

So yeah, putting expectations on creativity and the creative themself is fucked up and I hate it. It makes me feel utterly terrible. Give me a baseline and I’ll meet it. I can do that. But if you expect me to reach 110% like an Olympian, you may want to move on. I am way past unrealistic, motivational public school posters. Even aiming for 110% is an unachievable goal, and will only cause harm.

At the same time as they were preaching “give it your all and then more!!” they were at the same time preaching “make SMART goals, things that you can do in small obtainable steps”. Seems a little counter intuitive to me… But isn’t the entire school system that way?


Anyways, I just wanted to release so feelings, some food for thought into the universe, no matter how negative they may seem. I genuinely have no idea how much of it made sense. That’s okay 🙂 Today’s love is this mashup, I listened to it the entire time and it helped me from getting too crazy pants over the subject matter. I wish you all the happiness in your journey. Love and Light.

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